Parashat Kedoshim
Rabbi Boaz Tomsky
The
Mishna in Pirkai Avot quotes the words of Yehoshua ben Perachyah. He
used to say, "Accept a teacher upon yourself, acquire for yourself a
friend, and judge everyone favorably." The words, "acquire for
yourself a friend" require further elaboration. I could understand
the importance of having one teacher but why only one friend?
Shouldn't we strive to be more popular than having just a single
companion? Also the manner in which we are advised to make friends
goes against the very grain of what we were taught as children. We
should befriend people who like us for who we are, not for what we
can give them. That isn't a friend, but someone who uses and takes
advantage of others. The fact that you need to pay someone to be
your friend is a clear indication that you aren't really their
friend! Why then, does Yehoshua ben Perachyah advise us to acquire a
friend? Finally, what is the significance of the juxtaposition of
acquiring a friend and judging everyone favorably? What do these
statements have to do with one another?
In
order to answer these questions, we need to examine one of the most
famous verses in the Torah. Our Parsha commands Vahavta Lerayacha
Kamocha - to love your neighbor as yourself. The Ramban (1194-1270)
is troubled by this Mitzvah. It is a daunting task to fulfill this
Mitzvah properly if one is actually required to love another person
as much as they love themselves. Furthermore, in a situation where
two people are dying of thirst and only have sufficient water to
sustain one life, you are obligated to take care of your needs first
even at the expense of your friend.
Therefore,
the Ramban explains that the Torah is commanding us to rejoice when
something good happens to our friends, just as one would rejoice for
your own fortune. This too is a difficult task. So very often in our
lives, we become jealous at the success of others. It is within our
nature to only be happy for someone else when it is for our benefit.
Rabbi
Yochanan Zweig, Rosh HaYeshiva of Talmudic University of Florida,
says that this is the source for the custom of handing out cigars
when a child is born. If you want someone to rejoice in your simcha,
it is necessary to give some external stimuli so that they too will
benefit from your celebration. This further explains the expression:
ain simcha elah bamakom seudah-rejoicing can only occur in a place
where there is food. By receiving something tangible for ourselves,
we become more capable and willing to take an active role in someone
else's simcha.
Most
translate the Passuk as “love your neighbor”. The more accurate
translation of “lerayecha” is a friend or companion. The Ramban is
teaching us a novel lesson about friendship. A true friend is
someone who is genuinely happy for everything that happens to you,
without the need of any personal gain. They are wholehearted and
sincere in their rejoicing even when it surpasses their own success.
Imagine,
for a moment, someone else getting the promotion you were hoping
for. Imagine attending your friend's wedding while you, although
older, remain unable to find a suitable shidduch. How would you
feel? What emotions would you experience? If you are completely
happy for him in such a scenario, you can be rest assured that you
are a true friend.
This
is the meaning of the Mishna. If you can find an individual person
with a deep love for you to the point that they are genuinely happy
for all of your successes, than you indeed have found a friend.
There
are few people that can honestly say they feel this intense bond
with another person. This isn't a trait you are born with. Robert J.
Harvighurst, a noted American author of the 1900's, once said, "the
art of friendship has been little cultivated in our society." Our
Mishna is teaching us that the only way of becoming a true friend is
through acquiring this trait of genuineness. This requires a certain
degree of selflessness, a trait that needs to be acquired and
cultivated.
Alternately,
the Mishna uses the word konah, commonly used with acquiring a
servant. The Gemara (Bama Metziah 12A) states that any lost object
your servant acquires automatically belongs to the master. Why?
Since he was acquired to you as a servant, his gain becomes your
gain. The Mishna could be saying konah your friend, like the laws of
a servant. Anything beneficial that happens should be viewed in a
positive light. Consider yourself equally as fortunate and let his
gain be your gain.
At
a wedding, we bless the chatan and kallah with ahavah, achvah,
shalom, verayut-love, brotherhood, peace, and companionship. These
expressions of devotion are seemingly not written in order of
importance. Why does love proceed companionship? Shouldn't it be the
other way around? We are teaching the chatan and kallah that
marriage is more than just two people sharing their separate lives
together. The ultimate level they should strive for is that of
friendship, the feeling and sense of companionship for one another.
This includes more than just being empathetic toward your spouse
during their troubling times, but to sense their pain from within. A
spouse should strive to do more than just act happy for each other's
personal accomplishments, but to sense their joy from within. Such a
relationship, chazal say, is eishto kagufo-the wife is an extension
of her husband's very self. This is the goal. This is the ultimate
blessing for a healthy marriage, when two become as one.
A
synonymous word for friend in Hebrew is a chaver. Chaver and
mechubar-attached share the same root. Friends are, metaphorically
speaking, attached to each another just as a strong rooted tree
remains firmly attached to the ground. They support each other and
complement each other to the point that one's success becomes the
joy and pride of the other.
Someone
to care about you on this level could make all the difference. Every
person has the ability to reach this level, but it must constantly
be refined and cultivated. Without a friend, even the great Choni
Hamagil pleaded with HaShem to not continue living. Aristotle (384
BCE- 322 BCE) once said, "Without friends no one would choose to
live, though he had all other goods."
But
how could we reach this level of friendship? Yehoshua ben Perachyah
answers this by concluding, "judge everyone favorably." If we look
at people with a negative and cynical lens, we will never grow. By
saying, "he didn't deserve this" or "she isn't entitled to that", in
essence what you are doing is judging your fellow unfavorably. If
you remain positive and find the positive qualities of each person,
it is easier for you to accept their accomplishments and overall
success. By judging each other favorably, you become capable of
being genuinely happy for your friend's accomplishments. This is the
Mishna. This is the pinnacle level for a husband and wife. This is
Vahavta Lerayecha Kamocha. This is a true friend.
First Published May 3, 2003
for National Council of Young Israel Weekly Divrei Torah
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